


Consider My Lament

by TrumpLovesPence



Category: Supernatural
Genre: 1520 is a lie, Because that ending sucked tbh, Destiel - Freeform, Fix-It, Fluff, HEA, Happy Ending, I mean why have the confession scene, M/M, Season/Series 15 Spoilers, if you're literally gonna do nothing with it, let me have this, littttle bitta hurt, lot of comfort, prayers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-02
Updated: 2020-12-02
Packaged: 2021-03-10 00:33:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,477
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27841540
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TrumpLovesPence/pseuds/TrumpLovesPence
Summary: After Cas dies, Dean still prays to him. Cas lies in the Empty, awake, listening, waiting.Little bit of angst with a happy ending and stuff because, and I cannot stress this enough, f*ck the canon ending.
Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester, Eileen Leahy/Sam Winchester
Comments: 15
Kudos: 144





	Consider My Lament

**Author's Note:**

> 1 Listen to my words, Lord, consider my lament. 2 Hear my cry for help, my King and my God, for to you I pray. 3 In the morning, Lord, you hear my voice; in the morning I lay my requests before you and wait expectantly. ~Psalms 5:1-3

Cas was awake. He was in the Empty and he was awake, seemingly alone in the dark expanse. Maybe the Shadow was lurking somewhere just out of sight, wearing Cas's face and wild, exhausted eyes, but for now, at least, there was no one, nothing, except for his own thoughts. He sat, not knowing why. It wasn't like standing tired him, but after everything, maybe even the imitation of rest would help. He smiled, closing his eyes and seeing a different kind of darkness. He'd done it. He'd saved Dean. That was all that really mattered, really, in the end. Dean was alive. And Cas had gotten his secret out, gotten it out without having to deal with the fallout of an awkward "I see you as a brother" conversation, gotten it out, saved Dean, and died. He could sit the rest of eternity in peace now that he had that, and the tiny shards of sadness lodged in his heart, just pinprick reminders that he'd never really have Dean the way he wanted to, were familiar enough that he barely felt them. At least until he heard Dean's voice. 

He wasn't sure how long he'd been there. Time was impossible to track in a place like this. But it didn't  _ feel _ like long when Dean's words filtered through his mind, dull and slurred and uncertain. 

_ Hey, Cas,  _ Dean's voice said. Cas bolted to his feet. 

"Dean!" he called, looking around before realizing that of course Dean wasn't here. It was just a prayer. 

_ So, uh, I know you're dead. And I know you'll never hear this. But- I guess I don't really have anybody else to talk to. I mean- Sam and Jack- they got enough shit to deal with without seein' me like- like this. _

Dean's words were slurred, and his voice sounded rough. 

_ The whole world's gone. All the people and animals, anyway, far as we can tell. Bet there's still mosquitoes because Chuck is just  _ that _ much of a dick, but- Cas- everything we fought for is gone. And the only thing I can think about is you. I-  _ Dean paused. Cas stayed still as Death.  _ I miss my best friend,  _ he said finally. Cas relaxed a little, shards' edges pricking at him through Dean's garbled words.  _ And I wish you were here. You might know what to do. Cas...  _ Cas waited again for a long moment. Dean huffed an embarrassed laugh.  _ Anyway. I'm gonna kill this bottle then hit it. Night, buddy. _

"Goodnight, Dean," he whispered into nothing. 

The peaceful feelings were gone now. Now he waited, waited for Dean's voice again, waited for the tiny thread he still had tying him to Dean. There was nothing he could do. Nothing to help or hurt or make awkward or get in the way of- nothing but wait. Eventually, Dean's voice came. 

_Cas- God, Cas, I can't stop thinking about it. About you._ He was drunk again. And for Dean Winchester, slurring his words meant he was _very_ drunk. Cas listened intently. _I mean- what the_ Hell, _Cas? You fuckin' tell me you love me, then_ die _?_ _The fuck kinda sick power play is that? I wish you'd-_

He broke off. Cas groaned in frustration. Wished what? Wished Cas had never said anything? Wished Cas had stuck around so that Dean could kill him himself? No. When Dean rejected him, it would have been kind. Probably with a lot of shuffling feet and avoiding eye contact, but obviously Dean would never hurt him. Dean wouldn't have even thrown him out of the bunker. So Cas waited. 

_ You're a dick, Cas, fuck you,  _ Dean said. His words weren't coming out right. There was something behind the slurred quality to them that scrambled them further- Was Dean crying?  _ Fuck you for not telling me about your deal. And for leavin' like that. Some of the last words I ever heard you say, and then you were dead before- Fuck you. Did I deserve that?  _ The last question wasn't angry. It sounded more like Dean was asking himself than Cas. Still, Cas couldn't help but answer. 

"No. You didn't. I'm sorry. It was the only way to save you."

_ Maybe I did. Fuck, Cas, I-  _ He was definitely crying, sobbing now. Cas could hear his sharp inhales and breathless gasps as though Dean was right beside him.  _ I miss you. _

"I miss you too, Dean," Cas murmured, his own eyes watering. Dean was upset, likely at the situation above, at the end of the world, at God's final middle finger to him, and all of it was coming out toward Cas. That was okay. If that was what Dean needed, he'd gladly take it. The world went silent again, and Cas waited. 

The next time he heard a voice, though, it wasn't Dean. It was Sam, sounding uncertain. 

_ Hi Cas. I don't know if you can hear me where you are. Or how any of that even works. If you can- you got out of the Empty before, right? If you can- please come back. I don't know what happened with you and Dean. But this isn't like when you died before. This is- I haven't seen him like this in a long time. We're trying to save the world and he spends all his time in his room drinking- Jack caught him on the couch using a bottle of whiskey as a pillow. Which- for Dean, when he's upset, it happens- but- It just feels  _ different _. We have a plan- maybe even a good one- and he's just- he doesn't care. He just sits there like he's hollow until one of us talks to him, then it's this fake grin and stupid jokes, which is worse. We thought you'd come back. Lucifer used your voice- called Dean and pretended to be you- _

Cas dug his nails into his palms.

_ You should have seen how fast he moved. Look, I love you, you know that, and I'm dying to have you back. Everything we've been through together, everything you've done for us- you're my  _ brother _ , Cas. But Dean. Dean  _ needs _ you. So- if you can, if any of us even make it through this alive- please come back. Please help him.  _

Cas shouted into the Empty for hours. No one came. 

The third time he heard Dean, he thought he would be ready for it. He wasn't. He scrambled to his feet, his hands clenched tightly at his sides. 

_ So look, buddy, this might be it,  _ Dean said, his voice clear now, calmer.  _ We're about to try this very stupid plan that's really just a last-ditch effort, and there's a good chance I won't make it out. So- I have to say it. I know you can't hear me, but for myself- I have to say it.  _ Long pause.  _ You said- you said you wanted something you could never have. You were wrong.  _ Cas felt the unbeating heart inside him stop.  _ You coulda had me. You  _ always _ coulda had me. Think I wanted you since- remember the brothel? One of the first ends of the world, I tried to get you laid? _

Cas laughed in disbelief, tears coming to his eyes. 

_ We maybe coulda had something together, if you'd stuck around, or if either of us hadn't been such fucking cowards. Fuck, if you'd stuck around maybe I'd  _ still _ be too scared to jump. But I gotta say this, even though you ain't around to hear it. Cas...  _ Dean swore, taking in two deep shaky breaths.  _ I haven't even said this to Sam. Not since we were kids. Castiel. I...- Fuck, Sam- yeah, I'm ready, hold on-  _ The last two words were whispered, so quiet in Cas's head that he almost missed them.  _ Goodbye, Cas. _

"Goodbye, Dean," he said automatically. The world went silent. Cas's tears tracked down his cheeks and vanished into the air. Dean had wanted him. Dean was about to say something- but it hadn't been what Cas wanted to hear- it couldn't have been. Still. Dean  _ wanted _ him. Then he remembered. Dean was going off to face Chuck, maybe to die. He fell back to the ground, letting out a long wordless cry of frustration. The Empty still didn't answer. Cas clutched his knees to his chest and waited an eternity. 

A soft hand touched his back. Cas opened his eyes, not fully comprehending. He looked slowly upwards. Jack smiled down at him, his other hand awkwardly raised in greeting. 

"Hello," Jack said. There was something different to his voice, and his being crackled with power Cas could  _ feel _ . Cas stood, looking his son over. He smiled widely and tugged Jack into a tight hug. Jack hugged him back just as tightly. Cas pulled away, still holding him by his shoulders. 

"The stupid last-ditch plan. It worked," he said, wondering. Jack looked bemused. 

"I thought it was a good plan," he said. "How did you know?"

"Prayers. Jack- what  _ are _ you? How are you here?" Cas asked. Jack explained. When he finished, Cas shook his head, wondering. "So you're God?" Jack shrugged. 

"Amara is with me too. She's helping me. We're in balance. Cas- part of that balance- I don't think the angels should interfere anymore. Or demons. I'm going to change things, change how it all works, try to make it better."

"I think you can make it better," Cas said. He studied Jack's face, smiling. Jack in many ways looked the same. But he was assured now, and he had the slightest air of cool indifference that came along with immortality. And he looked certain. Like he knew exactly what he was doing, and exactly what he was doing was just right. "I don't think there's anyone who could help more." Jack grinned back at him. 

"So- I wanted to ask you. Well- I wanted to give you a choice. I remember what you said to me about Sam and Dean. About humans. How their lives matter more- they  _ feel _ things more- because they don't live very long. I think I understand now. I understand a lot I didn't see before." His eyes grew kind, and Dean's face rose to Cas's mind, unbidden. "If you want to help me- if you want to join me and help me fix heaven- the world- eventually hell- I would be grateful. You could stay an angel- I could make you an archangel. But if you want to go back to the world. Back to Sam.  _ Dean _ . If you want to be human, I can bring you back that way." Cas went quiet, chewing on the inside of his cheek. "Do you want time to think about it?"

"No," Cas said, taking a deep breath he didn't need. The motion was comforting. "I know what I want." Jack gave him a small nod. 

"I'll send you back."

"I'll miss you, Jack. I’m so proud of you." Jack hugged him tightly once more, then gave him a small smile.

"I'll be around."

He blinked. When he opened his eyes, he was surrounded by sunshine, and the air was crisp and cool. But all he saw were the three people seated at the picnic table. Sam and Eileen sat with their legs pressed together, hands tightly clasped in Sam's lap, Eileen's head rested on Sam's shoulder. But he looked past them, instead eying the man who sat across from Sam, beer in front of him, eyes lost and far away. Warmth filled Cas' chest, more intense than he'd ever felt before, and he found himself smiling widely. Whatever happened now- and it could be nothing, he knew it could be nothing- it didn't matter, because he got to see Dean's face for at least a moment longer. He took a step forward, and three heads turned at the sound of footsteps on gravel. 

The world froze. Green eyes locked on him. Sam was saying something, but Cas couldn't hear him. Dean was the only one in the world with him right now. Cas watched as he slowly stood, slowly moved a few steps closer. He stopped, his eyes darting over Cas' face.

"Cas?" he asked, his voice fragile as glass, disbelieving and hopeful in equal measure. Cas nodded, smiling so hard he thought he was going to cry. 

"Hello, Dean." 

Dean let out a sort of choked laugh. Then 180 pounds of hunter crashed into Cas all at once, Dean's arms wrapping firmly around him, and that alone was enough to shock him, but Cas barely had time to draw in a breath before Dean's lips were pressing against his, warm, real, dry, beer-swollen, perfect. Cas closed his eyes and kissed back, his mind blissfully blank. He could stay here forever. If this was a dream, or some trick of the Empty, he didn't care. He could take this moment and hold it against an eternity in hell and it would shield him from the worst of the fire. Dean pulled back, and Cas resisted the urge to hold him there. Dean's eyes focused on him, hard as steel, maybe a little afraid. He didn't take his eyes away from Cas. 

"I love you, Cas," he said, steady and sure, loud enough for Sam to hear. Cas's heart felt so huge that he wondered for a second if it would explode, then decided he didn't care. He pressed his lips back to Dean's, his hand finding the back of Dean's neck, holding him there, holding him close, tears rising to his eyes. He pulled away first this time, one hand still on the back of Dean's neck, the other moving to cup his cheek.

"Dean," he breathed. Dean's eyes watered, his lips pulled into a trembling smile as his hands landed on Cas' chest. 

"I  _ love _ you," Dean repeated, and it sounded like a prayer, awed, quiet. "I should have told you- I should have said something- I just  _ froze _ , and-"

"It's okay," Cas murmured, tugging Dean's lips briefly back to his own just to calm him down. "I love you too."

"About damn time," Sam called from the table. Dean flipped him off without looking, still fixed on Cas, his hands tracking across Cas’s body like he was checking for an injury or making sure he wasn’t going to disappear. 

“You’re here,” Dean said like he was trying to convince himself. “You’re okay.” 

“I’m here,” Cas answered, still reeling. Dean was in his arms. Dean wanted him. Dean  _ loved _ him. Sam’s huge arms wrapped around both of them, and Cas’s mouth hurt from smiling- did all humans hurt when they smiled too much?- and for just one moment, everything was better than heaven. Dean muttered something about giants and their giant-ass arms, shoving Sam back. He looked almost shy as his eyes turned to Cas again. 

“Want to go home?”

“Yes. I’ll go with you.”

  
  



End file.
